


Bureaucracy, Bureaucracy, Bureaucracy: A Beetlejuice-themed Choose Your Own Adventure

by CopperContessa_13



Category: Beetlejuice - All Media Types, Beetlejuice - Perfect/Brown & King
Genre: Choose Your Own Adventure, Death, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Smut, Suggestive Themes, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:53:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28540611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CopperContessa_13/pseuds/CopperContessa_13
Summary: Your good pal, Lawrence "Betelgeuse" Shoggoth, gets summoned for a hearing about a parole violation. Ever the supportive friend (and possibly more...), you join him on his journey through the red tape. Lucky for you, that's not the only journey you'll have that day.Specifically written and tailored to the interests of @Hoodoo as part of a 2020 Secret Santa event.
Relationships: Beetlejuice (Beetlejuice)/Reader, Beetlejuice (Beetlejuice)/You
Comments: 10
Kudos: 15





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hoodoo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hoodoo/gifts).



> Merry Christmas, Hoo! You've been a great pal and coach to me ever since I became active in the Beetlejuice fandom a little over a year ago. Thanks for all of the support and friendly advice you've given over the months.
> 
> Enjoy~

THE LAND OF THE DEAD

STATE VERSUS LAWRENCE B. SHOGGOTH,  
131 ELDER LANE  
UNIT Γ  
ARKHAM, NW 66646

FILE NO: 4206969001-7

NOTICE OF HEARING ON VIOLATION OF UNSUPERVISED PROBATION

DATE OF JUDGEMENT:  
MAY 19, 1455

LENGTH OF SENTENCE:  
600 YEARS

LENGTH OF TERM OF UNSUPERVISED PROBATION:  
MAY 25,1455 TO MAY 25, 2055

SENTENCING JUDGE:  
JUDGE ANTONIA T. BARON

TO THE DEFENDANT NAMED ABOVE:  
You were placed on unsupervised probation pursuant to the judgement referred to above, which was entered in this case on the date shown. The undersigned hereby notified you that there is reason to believe that you violated the condition(s) of your probation that you:

_ 1. Pay the costs of court and any additional sums set forth in that judgement, in that you failed to make in full and when due one or more required payments, with the result that you are in arrears as of this date

 **X** 2\. Complete the number of hours of community service specified in that judgement that you failed within the time provided to  
Complete that service as directed by the judicial service coordination  
Pay the community service fee prescribed by law

_ 3. Obtain a substance abuse assessment from a licensed facility and pay the fee prescribed by the law, in that you failed, within the prescribed time, to  
Obtain an assessment  
Pay the prescribed fee

_ 4. Participate in a treatment program and pay all treatment fees prescribed by law, in that you failed to  
Participate in a treatment program, as recommended in your treatment report, for the period provided in that report  
Pay all treatment fees prescribed by law

_ 5. Other:

NOTICE OF HEARING

PLEASE TAKE NOTICE THAT a hearing will be held on the violation(s) set forth above on the date, and at the time and location  
specified below.

DATE OF HEARING:  
APRIL 25, 2020

TIME OF HEARING:  
3:00 _ AM **X** PM

LOCATION OF HEARING:  
NETHERWORLD BUSINESS PARK  
1899 ST. LOVECRAFT LN  
ROOM 243  
ARKHAM, NW 66646

_Proceed to "I"_


	2. I

“As if this hellscape of a year couldn’t get any worse,” Betelgeuse grumbled after glancing at the letterhead he was all too familiar with.

You were just about to settle in for a movie at Betelgeuse’s apartment when you both heard a knock. Confused because he wasn’t expecting any more company, he answered the door with a surly ”whaddya want?” 

From where you sat loveseat, you could make out the blue uniform of a mail carrier. If the sombre expression your usually snarky pal took on after the postal worker shoved a white envelope into his hands wasn't an indicator something was wrong, the fact the postal worker was even there sure was. Betelgeuse had been squatting in this abandoned unit for over a decade now.

Stepping back inside the threshold of his dingy "home," he carelessly used the heel of his shoe to slam the door behind him. The sudden sound made you jump a little. Though slightly annoyed, you figured it wasn’t worth bickering about right now.

“Something wrong with that letter? Need help sounding out a word?” you half-asked, half-joked from the comfort of the nearby living room. He ignored you. 

Though you were concerned, you were reluctant to get up and check the mail out for yourself. Betelgeuse was nothing if not a couch hog. Not to say you didn’t like when the guy wrapped an arm around your shoulder or pressed himself into your side, but you couldn’t deny the extra leg room. The distraction at the door gave you the perfect chance to lay across the musty, old couch.

“Court found out I’ve been skipping out on community service,” Betelgeuse finally answered, carelessly tossing you the letter.

You’d known the suit-clad demon for the better part of a century now— years that looked like mere peanuts to the millenia he’d been down here. Though he often got on your nerves, you found Betelgeuse to be endearing in his own right. How could you ever say no to those big brown eyes of his? Plus, you had yet to meet anyone who was more interesting yet less annoying. 

Despite his rotting teeth and rank BO, Betelgeuse kept things fresh in an otherwise dull afterlife. If only you had not been ritualistically murdered, you could have skipped this fate of endless paperwork and red tape.

Damn that coven.

“Probation, huh? What landed you there?”

“Oh, ah, you know. The usual stuff,” he said with a dismissive shrug.

You didn’t press further.

Quickly scanning your eyes over the document, you balked slightly when you saw the hearing date.

“B, you’ll never make it,” you said. “This hearing is in an hour. Traffic is nuts out there!”

“Sometimes I forget how new you are at this, doll,” he smirked. 

You rolled your eyes, trying to seem unaffected. In reality, your heart swelled. You never got tired of his little pet names like “babes” and “doll,” even if he did use them for everyone. 

“Just because the big guys call you in to get a slap on the wrist doesn’t mean you have to go! I get, like, 50 of these a year,” Betelgeuse said. “Most of ‘em, I don’t even open!”

Usually one to follow the rules in this life and the one prior, the thought of disobeying a court summons made you cringe.

“As long as you stay one step ahead of those jerks, you can live any way you want down here,” he finished.

“Oh yeah? What’s the secret to doing that?”

“Laying low, baby. Keep off the grid and never leave a paper trail!”

“So much for that last one,” you said while dangling the summons in front of his face.

Beetlejuice’s huffed and snatched the document from your hand.

“So what if they figured out I gave ‘em a phony address?” he grumbled, plopping down in a nearby armchair. “I got better things to do than go to court anyway.”

_Proceed to "II"_


	3. II

“Well, sure, we all got better things to do,” you reasoned while sitting up. “But I think it’s a good start to repaying your debts.”

“Repaying my debts? For what?! When have _I_ ever done anything wrong?” he responded rhetorically. Betelgeuse’s stern expression cracked into a small smirk when he heard you giggle.

“Well, your tab at The Inferno Room is a mile long. Those poor girls do need to make a living, B. Xanthe is going to tie you up and Madam Bouriseau is going to flog you raw.”

"God, I hope so."

"Betelgeuse!"

“My body is payment enough, babes. Believe me.”

“Mhm. Do the local restaurants say the same when you dine and dash?”

“Hey, I’m an influencer. They give me free food and I influence people to go there.”

“I don't think you know what that word means. And also? What’s your defense for what happened at the Deetz house last spring?”

Betelgeuse’s demeanor was clearly wounded by that comment.

“Don’t bring that up. That was below the belt, doll.”

“Well, sorry I hurt your feelings, but it’s true!" you said indignantly. "What happened to turning over a new leaf? You promised them!”

“I did go on a soul-finding journey!” He said exasperatedly. 

“No you didn’t.”

“Did too!”

“Doing peyote in my kitchen does not count.”

Betelgeuse threw his hands up in defeat.

You were both quiet for a minute. You weren’t sure how to follow up what you said. Browbeating him for something he already knew was wrong wouldn’t make your argument any more convincing. After a few moments, you carefully chose your words to appeal to his emotion.

“I think Lydia would want you to be on the right path,” you said gently.

Betelgeuse didn’t respond at first, only leaned forward in his chair and eyed you up and down thoughtfully.

“Don’t forget who gave me the peyote in the first place, Ms. Holier-Than-Thou."

“I know, I know. But listen— if I were in your position, B, I’d want you to help me do the right thing, too.”

“Great. Because you’re coming with me.”

You looked at him, your expression slightly perplexed. Beetlejuice, not acknowledging it, stood up and shook some loose dust (coke?) off his jacket.

“I’ll only do it if you come, too, doll.”

“Hey, it’s your hearing, not mine.”

“Not like that. For moral support.”

“As much as I would love to, I do have a life apart from you, B. I have a hot date in a few hours.”

“Oh yeah? With who.”

“You might know him. He’s something of a local celebrity— head of some kid's company. Kirby the Clown? Klutzy the Clown? Something like that. You’d know him if you saw him. Wears a red nose and big shoes. You know what they say about a guy with big shoes.”

“Well who would I be to keep you from your dick appointment,” Betelgeuse said sardonically.

_If you decide to show moral support for your good pal Betelgeuse, go to "IX"_

_If you would rather "get dicked down in clown town," go to "IV"_


	4. III

“This’ll come in handy,” you think, picking up the object.

“Are you ready to go yet?”

You started to answer him when you looked down at your pants. Your standard pair of black leggings were nearly gray with dust, crumbs and particles whose origins you didn’t want to even contemplate.

“You know, maybe I should change into something else really fast. You want to make a good impression, right? I don’t think I’m gonna win you any favors looking like this.”

“Who needs clothes! We could both just get naked and skip the whole hearing thing,” Betelgeuse said with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrow.

You fought back a rising blush.

“In your dreams.”

⁂

You contemplated the wardrobe of the apartment’s previous owner. Seeing as your friend considered stripes to be a look for every season, he never bothered to clean out the closet. Lucky for you, everything in it was in mostly good condition and appeared to be around your size.

One outfit in particular stuck out. It was a strapless little black dress. Though its embellishments— or lack thereof— made it look conservative on the hanger, you noticed the little details that gave away its dirty little secrets. The delicate v-shaped neckline actually plunges deeper than you’d think upon first glance, no doubt to emphasize how much the wearer jiggles when cupped in the dress’s built-in, overly-padded bra.

You had a feeling you would spill out of this dress in all the right ways. And if the nearly undetectable tear at the hem of the skirt was any indicator, it seems as if this dress had reliably worked its sultry magic before.

_Proceed to "V"_


	5. IV

Oh no, you don’t! Not in this story, pal! 

_Return to "II"_


	6. V

You tapped the toe of your heel impatiently against the tile floor outside of room 243, arms defensively crossed over your chest. No one was leering at you necessarily, but your daring apparel certainly was earning some looks from the bureaucrats walking by. Without Betelgeuse to stare them down and make them leave you alone, you felt somewhat vulnerable. 

An audience was not allowed for the hearing, the guard keeping watch outside the room politely informed you. As if your minor fashion faux pas was not stressful enough, the concern you had for what was happening to your friend inside was certainly cranking your anxiety. You had no clue what they would do, be it jail him on the spot or just make his parole supervised.

Your attention snapped to the door of the hearing room when it closed with a bang. Betelgeuse had slammed it shut, his hair red like flames and his fists clenched. His teeth were gritting against each other and he was seething.

“What’s the verdict, B?” you asked cautiously.

His expression stayed sour, but his composure softened slightly when he looked at you. His shoulders lost some of their stiffness, his breathing steadied.

“I need a drink,” Betelgeuse deadpanned.

⁂

“‘The Bar at the End of the Universe,’” you said perplexedly while staring at the light-up sign of the dome-shaped building. “‘Ricks welcome.’ What are ‘Ricks?’”

“With any luck, you’ll find out.”

It wasn't a fancy place by any stretch of the word, but it also wasn't a run down heap. You weren't a fan of the music being piped in from the jukebox, but at least all the gruff-looking patrons were keeping to themselves. Apparently people in this place (why do so many look so similar to each other?) were strange and unusual because the bartender did not hesitate to take your order. It was a nice change from the few scant times you traveled to the overworld just to have no one notice you.

In your nearly 100 years of unlife, no one had told you that interdimensional travel was a possibility when you're dead. At the very least, they likely had not mentioned it for good reason. It was one of those things that brought up a slew of legal gray areas. In fact, Betelgeuse explained to you that messing with breathers outside his own, original dimension is what landed him on parole in the first place.

“The only reason I got out of jail time is because I ended up saving the ass of this guy and his grandkid,” Betelgeuse said while you sipped a drink at the counter.

“What a hero,” you snorted. “Did you remind the court of that?”

“Yeah.”

“And?”

“And this time they decided to jail me on Monday.”

You sputtered.

“Jail you?! For how long??”

“Too long. But don’t worry about it, babes,” he grinned while throwing an arm around you. “I'll just go back to dodging the feds until this cools off. It always does.”

“What about doing the right thing?"

"I know, I know. I'll still make good on that, just... in a different way."

You turned to look him in the eye. He was staring back at you, lips pulled into a gentle smile. He could be so tender at times.

"You mean it?" you asked.

"Every word, beautiful."

There was a beat before you both registered what he had said. Awkwardly, he took his arm off you and readjusted his tie. You didn't miss the shocks of pink and yellow that popped in his hair. Your heart was fluttering in your chest, overjoyed that he acknowledged the effort you made to look nice. In all the years that you had known him, your relationship had been strictly platonic. Maybe all that was about to change.

“Sorry about that,” Betelgeuse chuckled, "It's just hard to look at you in that dress in a, uh... respectful way."

You took a big gulp of your martini for a little extra confidence. Before you could ask what he really thought of you, a rough voice beckoned Betelgeuse.

“Hey, s-stripes! Been a long time since you've been in these— err— parts!”

“Rick! Good to see you, man!”

Stepping off his barstool, Betelgeuse gave a big bear hug to an older man. He was dressed in a white lab coat and reeked of alcohol. Standing next to him was a gangly teenage boy in a yellow shirt.

“Babes, these are the guys I was telling you about. Meet Rick and Morty.”

Peeling your thighs off the leather barstool, you adjusted the hem of your dress before shaking their hands.

“‘Babes’ is right,” Rick said. “You— urp— e-ever been on a spacecraft before?”

You giggled girlishly at the forwardness. It wasn't every day that you got hit on. In fact, dating in the Land of the Dead was a pretty dismal experience. Though he was balding, you found yourself immediately attracted to Rick's confidence.

"I haven't. Are you offering?"

"I highly doubt he is," Betelgeuse interrupted. "These two don't usually hang around here for long. Just a couple of drinks then back to the grind, right Rick?"

“Actually, we could use an extra set of hands,” Morty said. "Rick needs an unfertilized barzelnar egg for an experiment. There's one in dimension C-130. Do you think they can handle it, Rick?"

"Sure, Morty. What do you say, s-stripes? Why don't we go on an adventure just like old times?"

"Yeah, just like old time, stripes," you prodded. "Please, B? Pretty, pretty please?"

"I dunno, babes," he hesitated. The look on his face was dour. "We really shouldn't..."

“I’ll let you use the blaster gun," Rick said.

"Did you hear that? You can use the blaster gun, Betelgeuse! C'mon! It'll be so fun."

Looking up into his face, you could detect that he was apprehensive about something. He did relent without much more of a fuss, though.

“...Sure."

⁂

You sat shotgun next to Rick while Morty and Betelgeuse sat in the rear. The glass hood of the space cruiser was open, the ship lazily speeding along about ten feet above the dry, desert surface of the planet. Rick was rambling off stories about his most impressive adventures and feats. Out of the corner of your eye you could see that Betelgeuse and Morty were sitting behind you in complete silence. 

You were pulled back into Rick's story when he slipped his hand on to your knee. You didn't mind. Out of the corner of your eye, though, you caught Betelgeuse curl his lips into a sneer. 

If looks could kill, oh boy.

“Uh, hey Rick? Barzelnar nest at 2-o-clock," Morty finally said.

You looked slightly to the right of the aircraft and saw a hole in the ground. It was shallow but wide, maybe two feet deep and twenty feet wide. The floor of the pit was layered in wet mud. Set on top of the mud pile was a single egg— or, what you presumed was an egg. It was translucent, basketball-sized and slightly green. From what Rick had told you, barzelnar eggs don't form their hard shell until they're fertilized. That could take some time, though, as the males usually leave their mates for days at a time to look for food. The females stay behind to watch the nest. You couldn't detect any animals in sight, though. 

“Great, awesome. Found the egg. Do I shoot it with the blaster now?" Betelgeuse asked.

“No! Don’t shoot anything," Rick said. "It’s just to deter the parents if they show up. Barzelnars are nocturnal and subterranean. They don't like bright things— like lasers. As long as I tread light, we'll get out of here without a problem.”

Rick landed the ship next to the pit.

"Remember: Don't leave the ship. I'll be right back."

After gingerly padding over to it, Rick retrieved the egg without an issue. Returning to the pilot's seat, he placed it gingerly at your feet. As he was bent over, you noticed how his eyes lingered on your thighs.

"We can head back to my lab and do a little experiment o-of our own if you want," Rick said suggestively.

_PEW!_

Everyone cast an accusational look at Betelgeuse, the smoking gun literally in his hand.

"Oops," he deadpanned while making aggressive eye-contact with Rick. The shot had landed nowhere near the older man, but the message was clear: back off from her. You were about to attempt to calm the situation, but then you felt it.

Tremors were coming from the ground, their intensity increasing by the second.

"You piece of shit!" Rick yelled angrily. "You better get ready to fire that thing again or we're going to fucking die!"

Rick jumped back into the pilot's seat and set the ship into motion just in time to avoid the jaws of a very angry animal rising out of the ground.

It was an ugly thing. About twenty feet long, it was a snake-like thing with four long legs. Its body had been underground, coiled around the perimeter of the pit. The creature, a barzelnar you assumed, had thick black fur flecked with dirt and at least a dozen angry, red eyes. When it opened its mouth, you could see at least two rows of pointy teeth. 

"Can't you just fly away from it, Rick?!" you asked.

"Those fuckers jump high. We wouldn't have a chance if we tried that. Usually they'll go away if you just scare them while you're low to the ground."

“Blast the ground, stripes!" Morty yelled.

“I can’t!" Betelgeuse said. "I think it's jammed!”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!!” Rick shouted.

As you anxiously shifted in your seat to helplessly watch the creature chase after the ship, you felt something dig into the side of your chest. It was the thing you put in there earlier! Perhaps it will be helpful after all.

_If you chose the amulet, proceed to "VI"_

_If you chose the book, proceed to "VII"_

_If you chose the lasso, proceed to "VIII"_


	7. VI

“Betelgeuse, take this!" you shouted.

He dropped the blaster and grabbed for the mirrored amulet in your hand 

"Does it work with a spell or something?" he asked.

“I don't think so, but it is really reflective. If you position it to shine in its eyes, it should be bright enough to scare it away.”

He concentrated, positioning the object just right to reflect into the monster’s eyes. With a shriek, it reared up on its hind legs and burrowed into the ground once more.

"Good aiming, stripes!" Morty said.

“Yeah, I’d— urp— also say great job, asshole, but you're why that thing came a-after us in the first place,” Rick deadpanned.

“Just take us back to the bar, Rick,” Betelgeuse said.

_Proceed to "X"_


	8. VII

“Betelgeuse, take this! Maybe it can help!" you shouted.

He dropped the blaster and grabbed the tiny book from your hand. 

"Oh, I know what this is!" Betelgeuse said. "It's an eldritch book of spells. Where the hell did you find this?"

"You really need to clean your couch cushions more, dude."

"Focus!" Rick shouted. "I don't have enough fuel to outrun it all day!"

"Look, I can't read the language but I think you can," you told your friend. "Is there anything in there that will summon, like, more light or something?"

"Let me see."

After flipping through a few pages, Betelgeuse seemed to study one spell in particular

"It's not exactly what you wanted, but it's something."

"Fucking read it anyway!" Morty screamed.

Your ears ached hearing the words your friend read. It seemed to effect the living more. Morty covered his ears and Rick grit his teeth. It was as if mortals were never meant to hear the words being spoken. It did the trick, however.

The creature's pace slowed while it shrieked in... pain? The poor thing was rapidly turning to stone. The air ship slowed to a halt so you could all watch it happen. In minutes, the effects of the incantation fully consumed the monster.

You all sat in silence for a moment.

"Well... you did it." Morty said.

“Those things mate for life and they're endangered, jackass. You weren't supposed to kill it. I hope you feel good about y-yourself, asshole,” Rick deadpanned.

“Just take us back to the bar,” Betelgeuse sighed.

_Proceed to "X"_


	9. VIII

“Betelgeuse, take this!" you shouted.

He dropped the blaster and grabbed the rope from your hands.

"Hey, my lasso! I've been looking for this!"

"You're a good aim with this thing, B," you assured. "Maybe if you get it around its neck, you can keep it hogtied long enough for Rick to get the ship into the atmosphere."

"Uh, I think you're overestimating how much rope is there, lady," Rick said skeptically.

Betelgeuse took a deep breath before following your instructions. Though you were all excited when he the loop around the creature's neck, your excitement turned to panic when he dropped the rope.

"Dammit!" Rick yelled

Now fully enraged, the creature lunged forward and latched its teeth to the hull of the ship. Suddenly, you all began to plummet to the ground. 

Though you and Betelgeuse were ghosts, you felt awfully sorry for what came of Rick and Morty.

If only you had grabbed a different trinket...

_Return to "IX"_


	10. IX

As you moved you legs to the floor in order to stand up, three trinkets fell out from the couch and onto the floor. Though you hesitated to touch them due to their place of origin, something in you was convinced they might come in handy. "I'll only take one," you compromised with yourself. You would keep only one of them strapped inside of your bra on the off chance you need it for something today.

The first was a large, gothic-looking amulet on a chain. It had a big ruby in its center surrounded by brassy, intricate designs. The surface of the gem was so reflective, you could almost see your face. It reminded you of something a vampire might wear

The second was a nondescript little black book. For all you could tell, it could have been a very old pocket Bible. However, it was unlike any book (much less Bible) you had ever seen. The scribbles on the pages were indecipherable and likely not of human tongue. Still, they danced on the page and called to you somehow— like a whisper in the back of your mind, as if the pages had a life of their own. Something very powerful was lurking in it.

The third you recognized. It was a rope lasso— likely a trinket from Betelgeuse's cowboy obsession.

_Choose one and proceed to "III"_


	11. X

The four of you took a seat at the counter of the Bar at the End of the Universe once more.

“Can I get four double shots of your top shelf whiskey?” Betelgeuse asked the bartender. "Drinks are on me, fellas. Order all you want.” 

“Fine, stripes. But I’m gonna make sure you regret offering,” Rick grumbled bitterly. "You deserve it."

“Hey, we all make mistakes. To life,” Betelgeuse said, lifting his glass in a toast. He took a swig of the drink.

Considering how he acted out earlier, you found this nonchalant act of his to be rather odd. Though skeptical, you still accepted the drink he ordered you. The four of you continued to talk in between sips, Rick slipping in passes at you every so often. Though you watched his expression every time it happened, Betelgeuse didn't so much as flinch. Not even when Rick started rubbing your leg.

After finishing most of his second drink, your friend announced he was going to the bathroom. He carelessly failed to place the drink all the way back on the counter, however, spilling the remainder of its contents on you.

By default, unfortunately, you now also had to wash up in the bathroom. Shit! And you really liked this dress, too!

On your way to the ladies room, once out of view of the counter, Betelgeuse pulled you aside by the wrist.

“We’re out of here, babes,” he said sternly. You were surprised by his tone, considering how casual he was a minute ago.

“You can’t be serious, B. I thought you two got along really well! You're just going to leave and stiff him with the bill?”

“That asshole deserves it.”

“Why?!”

He hesitated before answering.

“...Because I don’t like how he's talking to you.”

So that's what this is about.

“You mean you don’t like how Rick flirts with me?” you replied sardonically. 

“Same thing, babes.”

“You don't own me, B. Where the hell is this jealousy even coming from?! You don't even like me that way.”

“You're right, babes. I don't like you, I love you.”

The silence that hung between you both now became heavy.

After a moment, Betelgeuse stared into your eyes before cupping your face and pulling you into a fierce kiss. It made your body tingle all over.

“I can do it better than him,” he whispered after pulling away.

“Prove it, Shoggoth,” you whispered while palming him through his pants.

He proved it on every surface of that filthy ass apartment.

END


End file.
